Rollercoaster of Emotions

Dr. C starts me on a round of Provera to put me into a cycle, followed by 2.5mg of Letrozole (fertility drug generally used in treatment with women who have breast cancer) and I was to test for ovulation. He told me that the success rate for letrozole compared to Clomid was 40% better and that Clomid makes women go cray cray. I didn’t need anymore cray cray! Nothing happened on the 2.5mg dose so he automatically bumped me up to 5mg without the use of Provera (which can actually lower chances of pregnancy). I got a positive ovulation test on 5mg and we were jumping for joy. When we told Dr. C and he said we will verify with an ultrasound because women with PCOS often get false positives due to higher then normal follicle counts. The thought of a false positive totally sucked but at the same time it was music to my ears because when Dr. Blah at CVH was treating me she made no mention of false positives and chalked it up to a faulty test! Another probe to see the results from 5mg of letrozole. Inside I was gleaming with high hopes… Up it goes. Where the hell is the ovary? Push up here really hard he said, as he was basically on my ribcage. I said my ovaries are up that high? He said your ovaries could be hiding anywhere! So I push really hard and what do ya know, she shows her beautiful yet ugly ‘face.’ Looked like a bunch of black holes to me. Dr. C confirmed that they were just that, black holes. Cysts. There was one premature follicle that wasn’t even half the size it needed to be in order to mature and release an egg. I was disappointed. I was sad but still maintaining a friendly smile. Not to worry Dr. C says, we are going to take more blood and start you on 7.5mg of letrozole which is the highest dosage they will use. I spent 2 days crying on and off thinking of worst case scenarios and wishing I didn’t have this body. Eventually and with support from my husband, I was able to pull myself together. I took my last clump of 3 pills this past Sunday. I go Wednesday to have yet another probe shoved in me and I pray that there are matured follicles hanging out in the polycystic ovaries of mine!